Separated mothers: 5 phrases to avoid
Parting is like crossing a stormy sea without an accurate compass. With each wave, doubts, emotions, fears arise. And precisely at this delicate moment in a woman’s life, it seems that everyone around suddenly has a degree in psychology, law and philosophy of life. Often unsolicited advice floods the air like a discordant chorus.
However, at the center of it all, there is a mother trying to find her own way, not only for herself, but also for her son. Her resilience, her courage, her determination are often hidden behind the veil of prejudices and social expectations. In the following lines, we will try to reveal some of the phrases which, although pronounced with the best intentions, can deeply affect the heart of a separated mother . In a world where empathy should be king, we offer guidance on what we should never say to a single mom .
When you separate they are all psychologists, lawyers, Piero Angela and Marco Predolin. They know everything, they give advice even though they don’t even know what they’re talking about and they expect the person concerned to listen to them carefully and follow everything to the letter. As if there were shared rules for dealing with a separation in the best possible way. Yes, in short, a sort of instruction manual for the end of the marriage.
In reality there is little to follow to the letter: each person is different, each story is the same and its conclusion can open up apocalyptic scenarios or decidedly more “friendly” transition phases.
Once you get past the first stage, it should technically be all downhill, or at least not a steep uphill. Instead there is always someone ready to open their mouth and give them a breather. Acquaintances, friends or otherwise, it doesn’t matter. The absolute truth is in everyone’s hands. Some considerations are part of the game, as they say. Others, however, have the ability to make us want to slap our interlocutor.
Separated Mothers: face challenges and prejudices on a daily basis. However, there are some phrases that can particularly hurt a single mother , even if said with good intentions. Let’s see what they are and why we should avoid them.
Here are the 5 phrases never to say to a single mother .
1. “You asked for it, everyone told you he wasn’t the man for you”.
Love can be blind, and it is often complicated. This doesn’t mean that a single mom is to blame for the end of a relationship. Every story has two sides and many facets to consider. Instead of putting our finger on the problem, we should offer support and understanding.
“ You asked for it, everyone told you he wasn’t the man for you ”.
Assuming that it is true, that before the fateful “yes ” the parents spent months trying to convince us that marriage was “not a thing “, has no one ever heard the phrase ” is love blind?” ”. If it were as they say, no one would separate. Yet one in three marriages fails and the fault does not depend only on our personal errors in judgment.
The variables are infinite. Is it necessary to turn a finger on the wound? And it doesn’t always depend on us. Even if it were, I want to reassure you. We know it very well. But since the mess has now been done, maybe it’s better to be able to focus on the future instead of being told time and time again that we were less than rational. Our self-esteem would sincerely thank us.
2. “Have you ever tried to mend the relationship?”
The decision to separate does not come overnight. Many single mothers have tried in every way to save the relationship for the sake of the child. And if they decide to move forward, they do so with awareness and courage.
“ Have you ever tried to mend the relationship ? ”
Many people think that someone gets married, moves in together, has a child and then changes partners like they change their clothes for the holidays. According to the needs. In reality, separation is always achieved after having made an infinite series of attempts, when the jug is now full of resentment. There are also those who undergo the phenomenal “couples therapy” for a period of time which more often than not has poor and humiliating results for the people involved.
But sometimes it works. In any case, please spare us the ” trying to ” thing. We always try to mend things. Always. When we decide to leave home with the children it is precisely because there is nothing left to do. And more than superficiality, ours is awareness that it is different. Baby, I choose to be happy for two. I would say that the rest doesn’t matter.
3. “Of course, if you never go out, how can you distract yourself? All you do is work and be with the baby.”
Single mothers are under constant pressure, trying to balance work, parenting and self-care. It is crucial to understand that it is not about “not wanting to go out”, but often about not having the time or energy to do so.
“ Of course if you never go out, how can you wander off? All you do is work and be with the baby . ”
This sentence is the absolute worst. Usually those who speak like this either have a 24 hour babysitter, a 24 hour Filipino and a second butler, or don’t have them at all (children not Filipinos), and therefore don’t know what it means.
However, the phrase you never go out triggers a mixture of emotions between anger, indignation and resignation in the single mother . It’s not easy to organize time to spend with friends. First of all because even if the child goes to sleep with his father once a week, it doesn’t mean that there is anyone willing to go out. In the series, everyone also has their own life.
Then the needs change. If you go out with evergreen singles , maybe you find yourself in a club at 5 in the morning and you already know that you will need at least two days to recover. And we can’t afford it. Consider that a single working mother almost never has a moment to relax. She wakes up at 6, gets the child ready, takes him to school and rushes to work. She leaves at 6pm and rushes home to the baby. She is a crazy top for at least 5 days out of 7. And it also happens when parenting is shared.
Know that a mother works from morning to night , without ever resting. Sometimes we arrive at the weekend so tired that our most coveted dream is a comfortable sofa, with cushions and throws. It’s not because we’re lazy and don’t want to do anything, but simply because we’re tired. We would also like to have more time to dedicate to passions and dear friends, but we don’t always succeed. And there’s no need for anyone to poke a finger in the wound.
4. “You are young. You’ll see, you’ll find someone who loves you and the baby.”
Being a single mother doesn’t mean you’re desperately looking for a partner. Many single mothers are happy and fulfilled as they are and don’t need to be saved by a Prince Charming.
You are young. You’ll see, you’ll find someone who loves you and the baby .”
Let’s be clear right away that single moms don’t need to feel sorry for themselves just because they’re alone. No matter how our relationship went, we don’t lock ourselves in the house waiting for someone to save us. We haven’t believed the story of Prince Charming since we took our final exams.
So, imagine if we can believe that the knight serving will arrive to save us and the child. We don’t need it, it’s not what we want. You can be a single mother and raise your children alone. Instead we would like to have a job, a welfare system that would allow us to better manage our expenses and live a dignified life. Even if you are alone. If you then meet a good person, so be it. Otherwise, we won’t be tearing our hair out. Nor will we throw our flowing hair from the tower Rapunzel -style .
5. “You don’t know how to handle your relationship with your ex, you should be tougher.” Or “You’re too strict, you should be more available.”
Every relationship with an ex-partner is complicated and unique. Offering unsolicited advice can feel intrusive and inappropriate. The key is understanding and empathy.
“ You don’t know how to manage your relationship with your ex, you should be tougher. ” Or
“ You’re too strict, you should be more available ”.
In short, how do you do it, you get it wrong . This sentence is somewhat linked to the first consideration, that of the sociologists-everything scientists. Having a relationship with the child’s father is a very delicate balancing act.
There are periods in which everything goes smoothly, and others in which you put on Sir Lancelot ‘s armor and try to dodge the worst blows. It’s not that we’re the ones doing something wrong. It is a condition inherent in the ex-child relationship. And therefore, during apparently calm periods, other storms and discussions can arise about what socks to wear, what sport to do, trips and so on.
The basic idea, according to my personal experience, should be to come together. Or at least one of the two should be more accommodating. There are always those who are less so. Then, the rest must be lived day by day. Once the days, visits, overnight stays and everything that concerns the child have been established, the relationship is always conditioned by personal characteristics.
So there is no one who is too good or who is too rigid, we just try to meet our son’s father. Living for 18 years in a continuous state of war would land both of them in Rehab . Life is short.
Before making comments or giving advice to separated mothers, it is essential to put yourself in their shoes and think about whether what we are about to say might hurt them. Empathy, understanding and support are key.
Separated Mothers who have never heard one of these five phrases, raise your hand. If they exist, they are very lucky. But I’m sure that in the current landscape it’s difficult to find someone with the right sensitivity and introspection. I correct myself. Someone is there. And he’s the psychologist . Which we usually pay.
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